Hindsight is so different when you look back before the battle is over. I look back on the past year and I don't see any sudden revelations...I don't see the set of footprints at all of the stops along the way, and I don't feel any regret, shame, or embarrassment for how I have felt, thought or spoken in that time. I am still in the battle.
This battle, however, though not over, seems to be revealing what the victory can be. Over the past few months, through conversations with friends, family, myself, and with God, I have learned a lot. God is revealing things to me step by step, and I now realize that like a parent needing to let go when their child first rides a bike, perhaps God let me take some steps on my own for the first time.
I still often feel all those emotions and frustrations I wrote about, but there is a different over-arching sense or thought through them all: I know I do want God, and I know I need him.
When I was thirteen or fourteen, at River's Edge Camp one summer, the speaker handed everyone some paper with four questions on them and sent us to spend some quiet time alone with God. The last of these questions to ask God was "what does my heart look like to you?" and the answer I got back was "it looks like your bedroom." Following that day I think I have felt this constant urgency to "clean up my room" to make it worthy of Jesus coming over, compounded by a feeling of guilt because I can never seem to get the dust out of the corners and because there are certain parts of my room that I like to have a little messy or not figured out...don't we all have a little of that disorganized organization?
As I continue to grow...especially as this past year has been such a trying time...I am realizing just how damaging that guilt is. God doesn't want us to hide all our toys in the closet or under the bed and all the dust swept under the rug! He comes in and teaches us, his children, how to clean the floors and windows properly, and how best to keep things organized....but he does it patiently and carefully. About a month ago, I had a conversation with a friend who encouraged me so much in this; she reminded me that it is NOT about how things look from the outside, what actions a person takes, or even the prayers prayed out loud....it's isn't about how much you give to the church or whether you raise your hands or pray kneeling down or even prophesy or heal people. It is about your own heart and soul first and then the actions that come out of a healthy heart that is given wholly to Jesus. Sometimes it is more important to sit alone with your thoughts and prayers than to attend church every Sunday. More important to spend time with a struggling friend than go to a Bible Study...more important to take the necessary time to relax and/or have fun than worry about whether or not people will approve.
I know I will likely never have bruised kneecaps from praying 24/7, and I still know that I don't want to go off to be a missionary (in the traditional sense)...I also know there is nothing wrong with wanting to have a simple, normal life. There is nothing wrong with the things your heart desires, no matter how simple, boring, or strange other people seem to think they are. There is nothing wrong with becoming a missionary and going into the ministry. So many of these decisions and actions we take in life are determined by what we think people, family, the church, even God approve of, but we never, or at least I never, take the time to ask ourselves "what do I want? And does that line up with what God says in his Word?" I am learning to stop letting that deep guilt rule me and start doing what I want. The Truth is, as long as what you do doesn't go against what the Bible says or what you believe God has convicted in your own heart, then feel free to do it. The only eyes that matter are God's, because he's the one who is there when you are alone, he is the one who speaks the truth our hearts need to hear and he is the only one who will fulfill our lives.
I am learning that if I start putting aside that guilt and start focusing on God, and start remembering who he has made me, the anger and frustration and hopelessness start to melt away. And once those things are gone, there is room in my heart to truly care about others again and live up to who God made me.
Like I said before, I know I am still in the battle...still weighed down by the fights with my own heart and with God, but I am beginning to see hope again...beginning to feel the freedom I know I have in Him.
And to all of you who are praying and thinking of me, thank you....thank you for your care, encouragement and prayers........please never stop!
