The View From Here

     Hindsight is so different when you look back before the battle is over.  I look back on the past year and I don't see any sudden revelations...I don't see the set of footprints at all of the stops along the way, and I don't feel any regret, shame, or embarrassment for how I have felt, thought or spoken in that time.  I am still in the battle.
     This battle, however, though not over, seems to be revealing what the victory can be.  Over  the past few months, through conversations with friends, family, myself, and with God, I have learned a lot.  God is revealing things to me step by step, and I now realize that like a parent needing to let go when their child first rides a bike, perhaps God let me take some steps on my own for the first time.
I still often feel all those emotions and frustrations I wrote about, but there is a different over-arching sense or thought through them all: I know I do want God, and I know I need him.

     When I was thirteen or fourteen, at River's Edge Camp one summer, the speaker handed everyone some paper with four questions on them and sent us to spend some quiet time alone with God.  The last of these questions to ask God was "what does my heart look like to you?" and the answer I got back was "it looks like your bedroom."  Following that day I think I have felt this constant urgency to "clean up my room" to make it worthy of Jesus coming over, compounded by a feeling of guilt because I can never seem to get the dust out of the corners and because there are certain parts of my room that I like to have a little messy or not figured out...don't we all have a little of that disorganized organization?

     As I continue to grow...especially as this past year has been such a trying time...I am realizing just how damaging that guilt is.  God doesn't want us to hide all our toys in the closet or under the bed and all the dust swept under the rug!  He comes in and teaches us, his children, how to clean the floors and windows properly, and how best to keep things organized....but he does it patiently and carefully.  About a month ago, I had a conversation with a friend who encouraged me so much in this; she reminded me that it is NOT about how things look from the outside, what actions a person takes, or even the prayers prayed out loud....it's isn't about how much you give to the church or whether you raise your hands or pray kneeling down or even prophesy or heal people.  It is about your own heart and soul first and then the actions that come out of a healthy heart that is given wholly to Jesus.  Sometimes it is more important to sit alone with your thoughts and prayers than to attend church every Sunday.  More important to spend time with a struggling friend than go to a Bible Study...more important to take the necessary time to relax and/or have fun than worry about whether or not people will approve.

     I know I will likely never have bruised kneecaps from praying 24/7, and I still know that I don't want to go off to be a missionary (in the traditional sense)...I also know there is nothing wrong with wanting to have a simple, normal life.  There is nothing wrong with the things your heart desires, no matter how simple, boring, or strange other people seem to think they are.  There is nothing wrong with becoming a missionary and going into the ministry.  So many of these decisions and actions we take in life are determined by what we think people, family, the church, even God approve of, but we never, or at least I never, take the time to ask ourselves "what do I want? And does that line up with what God says in his Word?"  I am learning to stop letting that deep guilt rule me and start doing what I want.  The Truth is, as long as what you do doesn't go against what the Bible says or what you believe God has convicted in your own heart, then feel free to do it.  The only eyes that matter are God's, because he's the one who is there when you are alone, he is the one who speaks the truth our hearts need to hear and he is the only one who will fulfill our lives.

I am learning that if I start putting aside that guilt and start focusing on God, and start remembering who he has made me, the anger and frustration and hopelessness start to melt away.  And once those things are gone, there is room in my heart to truly care about others again and live up to who God made me.

Like I said before, I know I am still in the battle...still weighed down by the fights with  my own heart and with God, but I am beginning to see hope again...beginning to feel the freedom I know I have in Him.

And to all of you who are praying and thinking of me, thank you....thank you for your care, encouragement and prayers........please never stop!

Where do We Go From Here?

Well, I have been home for four months now and I have to say, it has been a bumpy roller-coaster so far.

Within two weeks of being home I got a job, a car, registered at Camosun College and got started on that one class in January.

Now the the class is nearly over and I have a great GPA so far, which gives me confidence in entering university next semester.  Soon I will be getting a second job and hopefully I will make it through next year without a loan, which would be so wonderful.

So why has it been a roller-coaster?  Why with all this have I been unhappy?  As time has worn on, I find myself more and more dissatisfied, irritable, even angry, and depressed.  So I have started to try to figure out why...why do I have this constant tension between not wanting my Savior yet knowing he's the one who I should want...

I have experienced a complete shift in what I want out of life....right now I don't want kids, I don't like kids, and I don't even know if I want to bother with dating or marriage.

One thing I do know is that I want to go live in England long enough to get my citizenship, I want to live in New York long enough to do a short worship service in Times Square on New Year's Eve (I don't even what to go into how confusing that part has been with the whole God vs. Me crap), and I want to live in San Diego and try a more varietal community theatre and acting and maybe working in Disneyland for a while.  I don't want to live in Victoria, I don't want to settle down there, and though I am incredibly lonely and bored, I don't want to develop community here.

The only connection I have found with all this is that I associate God, marriage and kids, and Victoria as things that pull us away from our dreams.  I have had my dreams torn away from me so many times and  you know what? I am not willing to give them up just because someone else says that's not what they think I should be doing.

On Friday I did experience a glimmer of hope...maybe it was God speaking to me, or maybe it was just my own thoughts...about a week ago I had a dream that I was learning to care for a very young infant, but it though I knew it was a baby it looked like a kitten (which was really weird).  On Friday afternoon, I had this thought that maybe this dream was representative of how my dreams are still very new and need to be cared for and nurtured, but I don't know how and need to learn.  As well, maybe the way my dreams turn out will not look how I expect, but that doesn't mean they aren't my dreams and I won't have them.  In that there is hope.

To tell you the truth, I don't know where I am supposed to end up and my heart and mind are both very confused, guarded, and feel broken...with no one to help me pick up the pieces and figure this thing out.  Did you know that in a family full of passionate Christians, and having friends who are passionate Christians makes it impossible to tell people that you don't want God? Especially when you're pretty sure they're tired of hearing how much you hate being where you are.....because it makes you sound ungrateful... The thing is that it feels like they won't under stand and they will just try to offer advice, or something like that or maybe even just tell you to quit whining and buck up.  I don't even know for sure where I am at, so how can I possibly take advice, or buck up, and sure maybe I'll stop 'whining', but that isn't going to change what is going on inside.....?

So where do I go from here?

Whew! Getting Close!

Well! Since my last post things have been a little bit more exciting around here! Last Saturday we had a double re-wedding!  Shawn and David and another couple Brad and Chantel renewed their vows before all of us who reside here with them. Both couples underwent a lot of personal renewal and healing during what has been Christened "freedom week" and felt that it was time to allow that renewal to become a part of their marriages as well.  It was beautiful! Shawn was a radiant bride in her first ever wedding dress both she and David were all smiles for the whole time.

Even Zane thought that Shawn was beautiful, even though he didn't nap the entire day and had to follow, lead-footed, for the photoshoot.  He wore the most adorable outfit and I must say he completed the family attire (just kidding Shawn, you were the star of the trio!). 

 What other excitement has been going on?  Well, the bandit has not stolen our trash for at least four days, which seems to be an acccomplishment, and for that I am very excited.  Otherwise, the weather is getting cooler, and the clouds now compete with the sun for dominion over our sky.  It is starting to remind me more of home in that way.

Over the past few days Shawn and I have discovered an amazing new napping schedule for Zane that leaves all three of us winners!  Zane goes to sleep a little earlier every day, and wakes up earlier, usually just in time for Shawn to be back from class.  Shawn and Zane get more awake time together and I get off work a little bit earlier.  It is quite a lovely arrangement, and all of us are very happy with it. 
Now, nearly at the end of this endeavor, Zane has finally really started to like me.  The past couple days he has been very sweet and will wrap his little arms around me and look up at me and say "My Nanny Katie!" and smile.  He makes me feel very loved in those moments.  There is something so special about earning the love of a little one! (Even when he makes his goofy and grumpy faces).

Even with all the good things going on, I am very excited to return home in, what is it? 19 Days?!!!!!!!!!!!  (notice the excitement indicated by the exlamation points ;) ).  See you all in less than three weeks!
        

The Zane Dictionary

To assist in the interpreting of Zaneglish ;)

1. Bowf - Both         
2. Wao - Yellow         
3. Kai - Katie         
4. Waing - Swing         
5. Wide - Slide
6. Ting - Sing        
7. Warwiana - Ariana         
8. Gabel - Gabriel         
9. Daee - Daddy        
10. Bictor - Victor         
11. Merry wound - Merry-Go-Round         
12. Hers - She         
13. Wan - Van
14. Who This Is? - Who's is this or who is that?         
15. Pink - Purple    
16. Fart - Fort

One Month Remains

Hi everybody, sorry to have left you all hanging for a few weeks. Not much has been going on as of late.
The past few weeks have been relatively mundane, Zane is growing up a lot.  He speaks more and better every day!  I had four days off last week and even in that short time it seemed as though he had grown up more!  He is beginning to be very difficult to carry.
The nanny house has become a night-buffet source for a local raccoon a few times; he seems to quite fancy left over pudding cups and oreo cookies. 
The most exciting thing about the past few weeks has been a couple very thrilling thunder storms!  Due to living on Vancouver Island, I have missed out on good thunder storms for almost four years!  Therefore it is quite an adventure to experience the skies lighting up and the thunder rolling across the clouds in massive roars. 
Today has been a cloudy one, thankfully, because I have been craving the miserable, cloudy, wet weather of the Island (I know, I am crazy)!  All you Islanders, I am so jealous of all the fog you have had lately!  Please do blow some down here!
Well, thank you for all your prayers, you have no idea how much I appreciate and need them.  I confess I miss home more every day and long for Canada (and Tim Hortons, American's don't know what donuts are ;) ).

Adventures with a Toddler

Hey Everyone,
Well, welcome to October!  50 days remain in this series of adventures with my little charge and we have been having fun together. 
Shawn and I figured out the best way for Zane to have a good day is to make sure he has plenty of either alone time or one-on-one time with me while in my charge.  He has been far more relaxed and at peace and joyful since we made this discovery and I have to say I am quite fond of the arrangement myself!

Lately, one of Zane's favorite past-times is good, old-fashioned playing in the dirt.  With his two hands and two trucks the sand pile has become a highway, a construction site, a cave, tunnels, and earthquakes (he greatly enjoys helping me dig a tunnel and then intentionally caving it in).

Even though he has had a lingering cold, Zane has been his cheerful, loving, affectionate, and hilarious self; everyone here absolutely adores him!  And no wonder, he is so precious! 


The end of summer and beginning of autumn have been flirting with one another for the past two weeks, with crisp, even frigid-feeling mornings and evenings, yet 25+ afternoons.  It definitely makes clothing an issue, what with starting the day in my warmest clothing and changing into lighter clothing in the afternoon, only to have to change right back into warm clothing soon after dinner at 5:30.  Autumn has become, by far, my favorite season of the year.  The colors are vivid, the baby animals are growing up and exploring more (several of this spring's fauns playing farther and farther from 'mommy' lately), and wild turkeys wandering about as if they cannot wait for Thanksgiving!  I hate turkeys; they belong on my table or out of my way.  A more creepy bird never existed!

The other day I went for another walk in the twilight and it was quite nice.  The quiet and the woods were so peaceful along Richardson Springs Rd.  There is a family of seven deer that I see almost every time I walk or drive down this road, but I have yet to see a rattlesnake or a cougar.  Call me crazy but I think it would be neat to see either of those creatures.  On Sunday morning we did see a coyote, which is, apparently a rare sight down here. 

Dave and Shawn's vehicle, thank the Lord, is again in working order which has afforded them and I the privilege of 'escape' when the base grows clausterphobic or overwhelming.  Sometimes too there are groups of the people here who go into Chico together and that is always a fun time.  So far my favorite places around here are Barnes & Noble, Tea Bar, and Chico Mall.

 Pictured here: my first In-N-Out Burger experience.  I must say it was pretty good!  But not nearly as good as the ones found at Burger Hut down the road.









(Left) The best vanilla latte on the planet, compliments of Tea Bar

And finally, below, a police officer was visiting the group of high schoolers who were guests here (probably for a teaching time with the youth), and Zane was so excited to see a real police car up close!

Well, that brings you up to date on all that's going on these days.  Zane is happy and growing and beautiful, and Dave and Shawn seem to be learning quite a lot in their classes.  It is so good to have the too of them in this 'foreign' land.

Thank you all for your prayers!  Please keep them coming!

End of September!

Hey All,

Well, the time past since my last post has gone by quite uneventfully, with the exception of coming home the Thursday before last to find a tree colapsed clean across the road.  One of the staff here got up out of bed with the backhoe to 'rescue' us all. (I will provide further photos).

Zane and I have been getting along quite well, he is one of the sweetest little boys I have ever had the privilege of knowing.  He has the funniest ways of saying things and brings joy to everyone around him.
If you could all consider praying for his health, however, he has had a lingering cold/cough for a while and is often very tired. Prayer that he would get back to the healthy little boy God made him to be would be wonderful, if you think of it.

I have been enjoying the weather these days, as my favorite season begins to peek its way around the back corners of summer.  The autumn smells and temperatures have been sneaking in and the wind and still infrequent rain are most enjoyable.  Yes, getting a tan is fun, but I must admit I love to wear a nice scarf and sweaters to keep out the cold air. 

Please pray that I can endure here with joy, because as nice as this place can be, I miss home very much and long to return to the ocean and community I have with my family and Camp Homewood.

58 days until I return home!!

God bless! Photos to come :)