Where do We Go From Here?

Well, I have been home for four months now and I have to say, it has been a bumpy roller-coaster so far.

Within two weeks of being home I got a job, a car, registered at Camosun College and got started on that one class in January.

Now the the class is nearly over and I have a great GPA so far, which gives me confidence in entering university next semester.  Soon I will be getting a second job and hopefully I will make it through next year without a loan, which would be so wonderful.

So why has it been a roller-coaster?  Why with all this have I been unhappy?  As time has worn on, I find myself more and more dissatisfied, irritable, even angry, and depressed.  So I have started to try to figure out why...why do I have this constant tension between not wanting my Savior yet knowing he's the one who I should want...

I have experienced a complete shift in what I want out of life....right now I don't want kids, I don't like kids, and I don't even know if I want to bother with dating or marriage.

One thing I do know is that I want to go live in England long enough to get my citizenship, I want to live in New York long enough to do a short worship service in Times Square on New Year's Eve (I don't even what to go into how confusing that part has been with the whole God vs. Me crap), and I want to live in San Diego and try a more varietal community theatre and acting and maybe working in Disneyland for a while.  I don't want to live in Victoria, I don't want to settle down there, and though I am incredibly lonely and bored, I don't want to develop community here.

The only connection I have found with all this is that I associate God, marriage and kids, and Victoria as things that pull us away from our dreams.  I have had my dreams torn away from me so many times and  you know what? I am not willing to give them up just because someone else says that's not what they think I should be doing.

On Friday I did experience a glimmer of hope...maybe it was God speaking to me, or maybe it was just my own thoughts...about a week ago I had a dream that I was learning to care for a very young infant, but it though I knew it was a baby it looked like a kitten (which was really weird).  On Friday afternoon, I had this thought that maybe this dream was representative of how my dreams are still very new and need to be cared for and nurtured, but I don't know how and need to learn.  As well, maybe the way my dreams turn out will not look how I expect, but that doesn't mean they aren't my dreams and I won't have them.  In that there is hope.

To tell you the truth, I don't know where I am supposed to end up and my heart and mind are both very confused, guarded, and feel broken...with no one to help me pick up the pieces and figure this thing out.  Did you know that in a family full of passionate Christians, and having friends who are passionate Christians makes it impossible to tell people that you don't want God? Especially when you're pretty sure they're tired of hearing how much you hate being where you are.....because it makes you sound ungrateful... The thing is that it feels like they won't under stand and they will just try to offer advice, or something like that or maybe even just tell you to quit whining and buck up.  I don't even know for sure where I am at, so how can I possibly take advice, or buck up, and sure maybe I'll stop 'whining', but that isn't going to change what is going on inside.....?

So where do I go from here?